Door Bell Blues
by Queen of the Scoubies
Summary: Death Eaters bound with Toilet Paper, a Lavish throne, and a Horny Bellatrix...What more could Voldemort want?


_**Ding Dong**_

"…"

_**Ding Dong**_

"…"

_**Ding Dong**_

"Will someone hurry up and get the god-damned door?!?" bellowed the echoing voice of a very cranky Lord Voldemort as he sat on the loo reading his favourite novel '_How to Take Over the World in 80 Days'_.

_**Ding Dong**_

In a scurry of movement, four figures stood poised at the doorway, ready to welcome their guest into their humble home.

"Let's go through the steps Death Eaters! This operation must run smoothly to be a success!" Lucius Malfoy called out to his three companions before quickly checking his appearance in the ornate mirror hanging on a nearby wall.

"Opening the door is not a big-scale operation," Severus Snape snidely remarked at Lucius, rolling his eyes at the vain death eater now checking his teeth for random food bits, "Unless it's your girlfriend coming to visit that is…"

"Lucius has a girlfriend?" Peter Pettigrew, the smallest man, asked as he nervously sniffed at his hands, glancing for confirmation through the delicate stained glass of the sturdy oak door. "Looks more like a boyfriend to me…"

_**Ding Dong**_

Four pairs of squinting eyes glanced at the door, straining to see through the coloured glass to no avail.

"Wormtail, pleasantly open the door and welcome dear Lucius's friend inside" Bellatrix Lestrange, a heavy-lidded, dark-haired woman ordered as she observed Lucius, from the corner of her eye, touching up his cherry-flavoured lip-gloss.

"No" Wormtail refused through a mouthful of nervously chewed fingernails.

"Now!" Severus ordered using the fiercest glare he could manage as he conveniently used the chandelier lighting to increase the shadows around his curtained face.

"Yes Master" Peter spluttered before turning back to the door and gripping its elaborately carved golden handle.

_**Ding Dong**_

Turning the handle slowly, Wormtail quivered with excitement, he had never felt so much anticipation opening the door before. Steadily, he pulled back the heavy oak door, revealing a man clad in an orange high-vis shirt. Blinking several times, he looked up in awe at the man for several moments before Bellatrix kicked him in the back of his ankle reminding him of his duty.

"Welcome to our humble home. Our gracious Lord can not be with you at the moment, but he invites you to spend some quality recruiting time with his loyal followers." Wormtail rambled off as his voice grew faint and he contentedly stared at the beauty standing on their lavish door-step.

Looking straight past Peter, the burly man that stood in the doorway of Number Thirteen Girmmauld Place frowned at the expensive interior of such a run-down old house before smiling, "Good day, good Sirs and Lady, I have an order for one —" he paused, frowning at the text on the pale pink paper he held in his hands, "— Lord Voldemort?"

"He's —" Severus began, stepping forward to take order or the situation seeing that his other three colleagues seemed incapable of coherent thoughts, but was interrupted mid-sentence.

"— busy" Bellatrix completed for him, as she continued to stare at the man on the doorstep in his bright orange shirt. "But I'm sure I can help you" she seductively continued as she surveyed him through her mascara laden eyelashes before reaching out in lightning speed and gripped his shirt collar, pulling him through the doorway and into her clutches. "Awfully hot in here isn't it?" she claimed, staring lustfully at his covered body, "Best get these clothes off."

Blinking, Lucius, Severus and Peter were left staring as they watched Bellatrix strip the delivery man as she dragged him up the marble staircase and led him to her room, leaving a trail of clothes behind them.

"Oh. My. God." Severus stuttered as a pair of boxer shorts came flinging down the stairs, shortly followed by a jewelled black g-string.

"Well, seems like she's having fun." Lucius sourly pouted staring pointedly at the black bra now dangling from the chandelier, "Unlike me".

"Cheer up, Lucy ole pal" Wormtail grinned, joy filling his watery eyes as he glanced outside and spotted the huge box left on the front lawn, "He left his box behind."

"Box?" Severus and Lucius simultaneously inquired as their heads swung in the direction of the front door and their eyes landed on a box that seemed to have fallen from heaven. A beam of sunlight had snuck through the heavy rain-clouds and harmonic music could be heard in the far-distance creeping all three young Death-Eaters out.

"Should we?" Lucius asked as he stealthily stepped towards the box, his hands itching to rip through the tape binding it together.

"Well it's not like anyone's going to stop us," Severus replied smirking at his companions while also taking stand near the box, never hearing the toilet flushing from indoors.

"On the count of three then," Wormtail claimed, as he bared his pointed nails ready to rip through the plastic tape.

"One." Severus started, a manic gleam appearing in the dark iris of his eyes.

"Two." Lucius continued as he pulled on a pair of latex gloves to protect his perfect manicure.

"Three." Wormtail completed, lunging at the box hearing battle cries rip through the usually quiet London skies.

Five minutes later, cardboard was strewn across the lawn of Number Thirteen Grimmauld Place, and three crazed men stood amongst it, staring at the chair before them. It was golden, beautiful, and it was all theirs. In a moment, all three had run to the chair's side and attempted to sit on its luxurious seat, as it was whipped out from under them.

"And just what do you think you three are doing to _my_ throne?" an even crankier Lord Voldemort hollered as he stood at the doorway of his home, book in one hand, toilet paper in the other.

"We were just, uh, unwrapping if for you, my almighty Dark merciful Lord," Snape mumbled as he played shamefully with the dirt beside him.

Irritation passed over Voldemort's face as he heard this worthless excuse, and he raised his never-ending roll of toilet paper and threw it down upon his three followers without mercy, wrapping it around them before conjuring a large bucket of glue and throwing it down upon them. "There is a reason I hold this stick in my hand you worthless idiots!" he screamed as he used his book to whack them over the heads, "You will suffer the consequences of your immature behaviour!"

"No My Lord! We are just young; we need your guidance, not your fury!" Lucius begged as Voldemort raised his book to them again.

"Very well, you shall suffer knowing from this moment onwards, that Bellatrix will be opening the front door." Voldemort paused to create a dramatic moment of silence before continuing, "And you shall all be sharing a room with her." inwardly snickering at the repulsed looks on their faces.

"But My Lord!" Severus interjected, disgust and disbelief combining into a disturbing facial expression, "She is too horny! You didn't see her today! It was horrifying!"

"Yes, it's about time she got a sex drive." Voldemort acknowledged, "And that shall be your punishment."

"Why?" agonisingly screamed Wormtail as he faced the heavens begging for them to open up and drown him before he went back indoors.

"Because you nearly put your unworthy bottom on my glorious throne." Voldemort calmly explained before levitating his worshipped throne inside and sheltered it from the harsh elements he was about to leave his loyal followers in, "Now if you don't mind, I shall be going back to my toilet and finishing my book." He pointedly continued, "Do not disturb me again!"

"Yes master" Wormtail immediately screamed after Voldemort's retreating back, hoping that he would one-day relent on his harsh punishment.

"Hrmgh" Lucius grunted, not bothering to reply to the retreating back of his evil and uncaring Lord.

"Eye, Eye Captain No-Nose" Severus sullenly muttered under his breath, glaring after the man he would follow to the end of the earth and back.

"I heard that Snape!" bellowed the once again echoing voice of Lord Voldemort as he sat on the loo, reading his favourite novel, '_How to Take Over the World in 80 Days'_.

What seemed like five hours later, but was in reality five pages of Voldemort's novel, there was an ungodly scream from each of the three death-eaters glued to the front lawn as Bellatrix ran naked through the front door and onto the front lawn after the Delivery Man.

"Come back! I need more!" she screamed after him as he jumped in his truck and floored it, leaving behind the stench of exhaust fumes and burning rubber. "He was so pretty." She dropped to her knees, crying, never spotting her colleagues watching her with interest.

"You do know that you're naked right?" Snape asked curiously when she finally noticed the three forms of toilet paper wrapped colleagues.

"I wasn't aware you could have sex fully clothed." Bellatrix dryly replied before conjuring clothes to cover herself.

"You never asked!" Snape replied coyly, "Just free the three of us from these disgusting binds and Lucius here can show you."

"What?" Lucius screeched hearing of this plan.

"You're out of your mind Snape!" Bellatrix disbelievingly shouted, "I would never do _anything_ with him!"

"God-damn you all! I'm trying to read my book _peacefully_!" echoed Lord Voldemort's voice as he bellowed again from the lavatory, "Shut the hell up!"

"There is no such thing as a quiet argument, so deal with it!" Bellatrix screamed back at him carelessly in the heat of the moment, not thinking to run when the toilet flushed and Voldemort emerged from the doorway.

"What did you say Bella?" he whispered lethally as he sent daggers with his eyes her way.

"I nicely told you to keep your non-existent nose out of my argument!" Bella snarled back, flicking her long black hair over her shoulder.

"Not while you're residing under my roof I won't be" Voldemort replied snootily as looked down upon his followers.

"Fair enough" Bellatrix replied shrugging her shoulders elegantly before sighing, "I suppose, you and I could just settle this upstairs."

Almost instantly, Severus, Lucius and the still preying Peter, shuddered from the distasteful mental image of their Dark Lord and colleague going at it like rabbits.

"I'd rather we not Bella" Voldemort carefully said to not upset her too much as he could see her eagerly start to wriggle out of her clothes and advance upon him.

"We could do it here if you don't want to wait." She offered not noticing his horrified face or hearing the screams of disgust from Severus, Lucius and Wormtail.

"Please no!" Severus cried, never wanting to be freed more than ever, than right as this moment. "Take your affections elsewhere Bellatrix! Please!"

"Three-some?" Lucius asked almost too eagerly as he looked at Bellatrix with arousal showing in his eyes.

"Ew!" Bellatrix cringed and ran away from the group and into the house, slamming the front door on her way.

"Thank God for that" Wormtail sighed as he looked up from the dirt he had been staring at for a while now, his eyes cross-eyed.

"What are you talking about?" Lord Voldemort asked indignantly, "She was about to throw me on the floor and have her way with me!"

Snickering at this, Severus good-humouredly stated "Of course Lucius wouldn't have minded that."

"Shut up you!" Lucius snapped back, "Just because some of us choose to seek out companionship and love."

"Love is for the weak you pathetic fool!" Voldemort snarled, "You shall be paired with whom I tell you too, when I tell you too."

"Whatever. Will you just let me go so I can leave now?" Lucius replied testily, looking away from Voldemort, his lips pursed in disapproval.

"Only because you saved me from that horny beast that follows me," Voldemort agreed while waving his wand to release all three Death-Eaters from their toilet-paper bonds.

As soon as the toilet paper fell from their bodies, the three colleagues jumped up from the ground and started to thank the man that had saved them.

"Thankyou so much my Master!" Wormtail simpered as his fingers brushed lightly over Voldemort's robes.

"I thankyou from the bottom of my empty, loveless heart my Lord" Lucius replied smiling slightly as he delicately brushed the dirt from his one hundred percent woollen robes.

"Yes, I thankyou my Lord, for firstly putting us in that unsightly situation, and then not rescuing us until after that situation was resolved," Snape sniped at his Lord as he walked past and towards to house, "Now if you won't mind, I wish to go to bed before you bind me with toilet paper again, or worse, I get mauled by Bellatrix."

"Don't mess with me Snape. I too shall retire indoors, back to my toilet and back to my book. Interrupt me again and I shall personally make sure that Bellatrix finds and mauls your asses!"

With that the door to Number Thirteen Grimmauld Place slammed shut for the night only to hear the unsightly sound of a doorbell.

_**Ding Dong**_

"I'll get it!"

* * *

**Hey everyone! Uh, late Easter pressie maybe? Or not, just my twisted mind at work :D Have a Harry Easter!!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


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